FEMINISM

Girl By Kincaid Is Everything You Need To Understand Feminism

I decided to read 50 short stories written by women, and share my reviews online. I stumbled upon Girl by Jamaica Kincaid, which summarizes the answer to the question ‘why do we need feminism?’. As the year-end draws, I reflected upon some of my weaknesses, and one stared at me with monster eyes: Inconsistency. So, I chose to push myself and write one review each day for a short story that I read (I am hoping to succeed *fingers crossed*) Wash the white clothes on Monday and put them on the stone heap; wash the color clothes on Tuesday and put them on the clothesline to dry; don’t walk bare-head in the hot sun; cook pumpkin fritters in very hot sweet oil; Jamaica Kincaid, Girl, 1978 Let’s go to the review now, shall we? ‘Cooking is an art. Washing and hanging clothes is an art. If you have interest and passion, everything you do could be an art,’ my mother told me once when we were hanging the wet clothes to dry together one day. Though exhausted, she always cooked, cleaned and kept the home beautiful. If my sister and I walk into an untidy home from school, we know our mom is sick. She always insisted we do something for the house we lived in. It was something her father taught her, and she lives by it. This short story, Girl, by Jamaica Kincaid, is a piece of advice delivered by a mother to her daughter. We can all agree that we have received such advice at least once during our life- especially a week before the wedding if you are married. “If my sister and I walk into an untidy home from school, we know our mom is sick.” Feminism hates gender-based roles… If we were to sit in a coffee shop and share our notes, it would have the same content- “how to cook fish (clean it thoroughly, she would say, not before making a face and a snide remark on how irresponsible we are not to know such a fundamental step), separate white from coloured clothes, wake up early (before your husband and in-laws always!), don’t smile too much, don’t laugh at all, sit properly, talk softly”, and so on. Though all those pieces of advice are good, for an individual to become independent and responsible, the intention of giving those instructions only to one gender doesn’t sit well with me. Anyone who grew up in an Asian home might recognize this dialogue well: ‘What will your in-laws think about us if you can’t make a round chapati?’ Learning a skill like cooking has more to do about pleasing someone in the future than making your daughter stronger. The ‘real’ intention behind… Like the mother in the story, many mothers instruct their daughters on household chores and taking care of the family. My friend’s father told her that her duty is to the family- to take care of her husband and the kids. He asked her to quit the job because her financial independence was unnecessary. One piece of information that we keep passing on generation after generation is: chores are women’s duty! Kincaid’s short story delivers this message with accuracy.  this is how you iron your father’s khaki shirt so that it doesn’t have a crease; this is how you iron your father’s khaki pants so that they don’t have a crease; Jamaica Kincaid, Girl, 1978 I am not making it up when I say that many families do not let their sons/sons-in-law cook or clean at home. A friend told me he could not grab a plate from the kitchen. His family insists his sister do it for him. Another guy I know goes out to buy a cup of coffee if he wakes up early in the morning. Because his mom firmly believes that a man’s place is not in the kitchen. I don’t know about you. But, unequipping a man without an essential skill makes them dependent on a woman for the rest of their life. “Another guy I know goes out to buy a cup of coffee if he wakes up early in the morning. Because his mom firmly believes that a man’s place is not in the kitchen.” Security in exchange for freedom If you are a woman, you’d probably already know where I am going next- yes, boys! We did not have ‘the talk’. We had warnings- how to talk, how not to laugh outside, how to sit, and not ‘encourage’. Safety feels like hate when it has been given in exchange for freedom. Travel when you are married. Go to late-night movies with your husband. The list goes on… This gender-biased treatment shows how much society has to change concerning equality. Being nice is important… this is how you smile to someone you don’t like too much; this is how you smile to someone you don’t like at all; this is how you smile to someone you like completely; Jamaica Kincaid, Girl, 1978 I met a woman who shared a horrible story. I am obligated to leave out the name and details for her protection. She told me how her family forced her to be in contact with a perpetrator. When she told her family about him, they asked her to stay silent- to not disrupt his loving family. His wife and sons did not stop him from sexually assaulting someone. So why should she be nice when she does not feel nice inside? My mom told my sister too many times to pretend like she did not hear anything when a group of boys were cat-calling us. Though she disagreed, she obliged. It seems like ‘Boys will be boys, but girls should be mature’ is a loophole on a golden plate. Unhealthy communication but I don’t sing benna on Sundays at all and never in Sunday school; Girl, Jamaica Kincaid The story shows the mother-daughter duo where the mother does not believe and has no healthy communication with her daughter. It becomes so toxic when the daughter only responds twice during the conversation. When the mother hints at how to get rid of a wanted pregnancy, it clearly shows her assumption of the daughter’s failed future. She mentions slut many times to identify a girl who will not follow the protocol to a T. this is how to behave in the presence of men who don’t know you very well, and this way they won’t recognize immediately the slut I have warned you against becoming; Jamaica Kincaid, Girl, 1978 Isn’t society doing the same- slut-shaming and assassinating the character of a woman who tries to pave a path of her own? This short story, written in 1978, emphasizes that this cycle can stop only at the hands of a mother. Who knows! The girl receiving the advice could evolve into a patriarchal mother and pass on the trauma and gender stereotypes to her daughters. Perhaps, that’s why Sasha Sloan in Older said, ‘My parents aren’t heroes; they are just like me.’ I genuinely loved these two points… I know, for a fact, that these pieces of advice on household chores aren’t unnecessary or bad advice. In fact, I would teach every essential skill my daughter needs to take care of her house. But I would do the same if I had a son too. My husband and I share our chores at home, and we are setting an example for shared responsibility. She wouldn’t expect any less in the future. this is how to love a man, and if this doesn’t work there are other ways, and if they don’t work don’t feel too bad about giving up; Jamaica Kincaid, Girl, 1978 The second point that blew my mind in the short story is when the mom advised me to let go if love didn’t work. It was a beautiful lesson that we should all learn. On that note, I can’t stress more for you to give ‘Girl’ by Jamaica Kincaid a read. It is only a page or two long (depending on your font size and settings). Kincaid was not angry. She presented the facts and let the situation speak for itself. How do you want your kids to remember you? When I was in my late-teen years, if people asked me what I liked about my dad, I said he was hardworking and intelligent. When asked about my mom, I said, ‘she cooks well, cleans well and takes care of my sister and me always’. It was a no-brainer question for me. It was a rehearsed answer that did not change until my mid-20s. When I had my daughter, my perspective changed. I remembered my mom as a strong, practical woman who loved to sing songs and take big calculative risks. When talking about singing or business, her eyes twinkled sadly with an unachieved dream. How did I not see that? That moment changed my life. I decided to dream big and achieve it- for my mom and me. Do not sacrifice your dreams or life. Leave the sink dirty and let the laundry basket overflow for a week. Have big visions and try hard to fulfil them. Live life fully, without any hesitations or regrets. Your kids will remember you as a soul who knows to live life.

Laugh, Walk, Talk Like a Lady: The Ruthless Sexism

Part 1: The 1950s Housewives Feminism is the movement to bring an end to sexism and oppression. It is an effort to make women liberal and empowered. Feminists believe that feminism means having a choice. Do you also know that people who make unconventional choices feel ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it? Choosing to be a Housewife: The choice that was once super-conventional and traditional is now becoming unconventional and outdated real fast. When the “empowered” women look at a housewife, they see her as a poor soul trapped within the four walls. It is not surprising to see this change- especially when we encourage women to come out of the kitchens. But, what does coming out of the kitchen necessarily mean? Does it mean that all women should go back to the workforce stressing themselves in a 9-to-5 job, even if they don’t like what they are doing? I could confidently say that housewife is now something, not people admire or look up to; it is something that people feel pity about. Housewife- A taboo? Let me be honest here. I was ashamed (and still am) to publicly say ‘Housewife’. It was horrifying to let people look at you piteously. So, what does a housewife do, when you ask them the question “What do you do?” They answer like this: “What do you do?” “I am looking for a job.” “I am on a career break” (Break, mind you… We are returning to work soon, even if it is something we dislike!) “I am taking care of my child” “I am a blogger, writer, YouTuber…” Why? You will understand at the end of this post. But, let’s take a minute to address how this question has transformed over the years. Now, people don’t ask ‘What do you do?’. They ask ‘Are you working?’ assuming that housewives are an endangered species now. We will deal with that later. Let’s start with the basics. What’s wrong with being a Housewife? Nothing, but it has flaws like… Financial Independence: To start off, as a feminist, I always emphasize financial independence. It doesn’t matter how lovable your family is, or how gentleman (or woman) your spouse is, you can’t give up on your financial independence. For that very reason, I find myself taking a stand against ‘Housewife’ many times. It is a seriously grave job with no payments and rewards. Mundane Life: The non-criticality and repetitiveness of the chores make life boring to a point where you find disinterest in day-to-day life. We sometimes call it ‘a mechanical life’ and I don’t see why a human must choose it willingly. Equality at home: The moment we assign a dedicated person to look after our home and family, we take them for granted. What else do they have to do other than cook meals and clean the dishes, right? Wrong. Shared responsibility becomes a moot point. Societal Pressure: The more I say aloud that I am a housewife, the more society looks at me like I am an oppressed woman of the 1950s. Stop, please. Valued Less: It is something universally every housewife would agree to at least once in their lives. Ask your mother if you don’t believe me. Unless it is a mothers day or a women’s day, you don’t get much from society or the family. So, here is my rant. I knew for so many reasons, I think that being a housewife is flawed. But, what happens if one chooses it willingly for any number of reasons? As I said, I will be brutally honest in the entirety of this article. I wasn’t interested in staying at home full time when I quit my job. However, it never meant that I loved my job either. Like most of us, I loved the money it brought. That’s all. After quitting the job, I found the perk of being a housewife- a stress-free life. Truth be told, looking after a family involves a lot of stress. But the stress of doing a job that you don’t like was worse compared to the unpaid and mundane chores. Nevertheless, I also found time to do truly what I loved to do- to write and publish. It kept my soul alive and excited. The ruthless 9-to-5 job emptied my creative reservoir. How would imagination work if you have to be systematic and organized all the time? When I stayed at home to take care of my child, I had more time to enjoy the rain. I had time to read more books and cook delicious food. I watched snails and butterflies, which you would miss since you can’t take a pause from 9 to 5. I wrote pages and pages of words. I wrote stories and books. I played hide-go-seek with my daughter. Listening to her stories was absolutely boring and interesting at the same time. I also found that I could be anything I want to be: even a best-selling author (if that’s what I want to become). There is no pressure. But, it all came with a price: To run a family on a single income. Now, lots of families can’t afford it, so the couple has to work together. Or both of them are ambitious enough in their careers to lose their job. What about people who don’t want to get stuck in conventional full-time careers? What about people who want to dream bigger and follow their passion? What about someone who wants to take it slow? What about someone who wants to stop living a stressful life because they can afford to take a pause? What about someone who wants to take a sabbatical and pursue the work after 10 years or when their child is not dependent on them anymore? That’s where the shame comes in… Let’s go to the point where I said I will discuss later: “Are you working?” Fortunately, my husband was not a big fan of gender roles. He takes shared responsibility seriously and understands its importance. I love to be financially independent. But the societal pressure does not let me complete the sentence. I love to be financially independent- doing the job I love. What do I mean by societal pressure? Fifty years ago, a woman handling a career and family was unconventional and impractical. Now, a woman quitting a job to take care of her family is impractical. Choosing to stay at home is seen as a destructive move against feminism and women’s empowerment. Whereas, doing a job that a woman doesn’t like to do (just because it pays) seems to be a wise choice. If this is not enough pressure from society, I will share with you one more from my personal experience. When I meet other women in my daughter’s school playground, most of them (all employed, of course) ask the same question to me: “Are you working?” The question carries the inherent assumption that all “modern” women would only choose to work. My husband used to say, “We are all working in one way or another. Housewives are not getting paid, that’s all. But, it is a full-time job, too.” The question has only one right answer: “Yes”. And if you say that, you will have a series of questions like this, which is enough to create a friend circle: “Where are you working?”“Which company?”“Where is it?”“How are you managing both?”“I get you. It is very hard, isn’t it?”“What do you do at the weekends?” Saying the wrong answer “no”, fetches you pity and a single-worded answer “Oh!”. That’s all, trust me! Or sometimes, people get more sympathetic and ask, “Are you looking for a job?” Why would you assume that the modern housewives aren’t half-interesting as the working women who can handle both? Why can’t a woman or a man who chose to be a homemaker, wants to pursue a creative lifestyle? Is it impossible that they do not want a job that they do not love? And if they don’t, do you not have any other questions to ask them? Why? My two cents: From TV commercials to serials, the target for women has been shifted from being ‘housewives’ to ‘working women’. From romanticizing housewives, we have gone to stigmatizing them. It is important to spread the importance of financial independence. But, we are not doing it. Instead, we are spreading the importance of a full-time career. Therefore, women who don’t have any interest in the job end up taking it. Perhaps, if we stop shaming women for staying at home, then we could see more writers, artists, authors, musicians and bloggers. To write women’s history, more women must come forward. Don’t you think? Instead of destroying gender roles, we are shaming people who figured out that the traditional setup works fine for them. It is important to find the purpose of your life and create something for yourself- be it a full-time career, business or a creative lifestyle. Do something that you could claim as yours apart from your family. I think feminism should focus on that now.

7 Lessons of Patriarchy I would Unteach My Daughter

Last week, I asked my friends if they had anything they would like to unteach the girl children they know- of patriarchy and gender stereotypes. We think that we no longer follow patriarchy, and maybe we don’t consciously. But, there are small lessons imbibed and cultured into our day-to-day activities. We are not aware of them because we think it is normal, and that’s how it is supposed to be done. So, when I asked, I heard a lot of common practices that could be missed as normal routines but are ideas inherited from patriarchy. Some of them are easily avoidable if we consciously approach the next generation. 1. The Weaker Sex Call it science- but studies suggest that women being physically weaker sex is a myth. We call ourselves emotionally and intellectually strong to compensate for the loss of upper body strength. And this is where a tiny patriarchal lesson taught from childhood shows up: “Some sports are unfeminine, and therefore women are discouraged from playing them”. For various reasons, including breaking of hymen, muscle gain, social stigma, safety and transportation issues, girls drop out of sports. This should change, says Soumya, one of my friends, hoping that girls of next-generation would value physical strength as much as their intellectual strength. By not allowing the girls to increase their upper-body strength, we also create gender-based roles in work. Men seem to do more physical labour. Mythily, a librarian at an International School says: “Not only women do not participate in certain jobs like firefighting, army or mechanic; gentle and non-physical jobs like being a librarian or a teacher is considered women’s role. Boys trying to aspire for such jobs are usually discouraged.” 2. The Sacrificial Lamb Somehow, over the years, women have become equal to scapegoats in the name of family, culture and traditions. The part played by the patriarchal is how it turned this thought natural and normal to women. Patriarchy makes us believe that we should sacrifice to be a “good” woman in society. ‘When will this change?’ asks Ishwarya, an independent freelancer who has boarded the feminist wagon quite recently. To what extent are women ready to sacrifice themselves for the family is the ultimate question here. And the answer to this might be quite shocking, nonetheless true- completely! Some of us only dream from childhood about weddings and celebrations. Due to societal pressure, sometimes we think it is okay to let all our dreams go. And other times, it becomes our inherent nature to prioritise every other person in the family first. Is it wrong to be concerned about the welfare of others? No. But is it fair to lose ourselves in the process? “Women is not equal to martyrs. It has to change. We should make our choices and live our life the way we want. We need to exercise our right and freedom and not be bothered about what other people think or say about it,” says Ishwarya, who also knows it is easier said than done. 3. Freedom of Choice Changing the last name (or not) to living with in-laws (or not) should be an option available to women, says Mythily, a teacher-librarian. Taking away the freedom of choice from a person is equal to influencing and controlling the person as if he were a puppet, says Madeline L’Engle. Many of us might think that third-wave feminism took a wrong turn focusing on less important details like dressing codes and last names. But, this heated debate focuses on one singular truth- how women get still denied basic rights: the freedom of choice. There must be (at all times) freedom to choose the life they want to live- even if their choice is wrong. The Indian society especially still have this unwritten rule of women getting married to the husband’s family, completely dusting off her presence from what she called home for 25 years. Why are no men married and moving their living to the wife’s home? Why is this idea a still prohibitive land where no men take a walk? How could we achieve gender equality if we still practice patriarchy in day-to-day life? 4. The Handmaid’s Tale Have you read ‘The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood? If you have, you can easily understand this point made by my young cousin, Surya, who said, “Parents must learn to remove the protective shield they build around girls. They should try to teach the boys and believe in those teachings, for creating a safer world for women.” Instead of teaching boys how to treat a woman, we teach women how to behave (or not) to be safe. It is a pity to call it love and care when this restricts the girl’s freedom. On another angle, many opportunities available to boys are not feasible for girls because of safety and protection. It must change if we expect a world with gender equality. 5. Emotions are Emotions It is easy to overlook that girls develop stereotypes about boys and men. They think men are macho and do not display any emotions at all. If they cry, they are considered weak. ‘Shouldn’t we be teaching them the opposite if we preach boys to be sensitive and sensible?’ asks Ashutosh It is not enough to teach boys to go easy on their emotions. It is not enough to tell them that a healthy display of emotions are welcome and, in fact, the right way. Then, what more do we need to do? We should teach the girls to perceive boys from a different angle. We should teach them to console and comfort the boys when they see crying, as they would do to their girlfriends. To treat a boy crying or venting as weak would make the boy conscious and resort to unhealthy ways again. 6. Beware of Expiry Dates We teach our kids to dream and aim high. But, how many of us teach them the art of letting go? Are we teaching them when or how to stop? It is imperative to teach kids that dreams, thoughts, opinions and choices come with an expiry date, says Bhavana. Are we seriously speaking about quitting as healthy these days? Instead of calling quitters, why can’t we accept that the goal they set for themselves does not serve them anymore? Quitting because of failures is a different deal. We must learn and understand to quit when the goal does not feel right anymore. If only we knew when to stop, wouldn’t we all live in a less messy state? 7. Dream, Dream, Dream… Dreams give one a purpose to live their life. Without dreams, one gets to succumb to emptiness and depression soon. Setting goals and achieving them should become instinctual to any human. But when we downsize this idea to girls, we make them dream about husbands and weddings before they have time to think about their identity. Before saying dream big, it is important to teach what kind of dreams increase the odds of one’s purpose in life. Love, relationships and family are a part of our life, not the life itself. If you do not see many female politicians, it is because we do not let them dream that girls could be in a place to bring change to the world. Why? Simply because most of us think that the nature of a girl is to get married, procreate and take care of the house. Career opportunities like a sergeant, firefighter, pilot, astronaut, writer, scientist, mechanic, politician do not even reach a tween’s mind, and this must change. Education must not be a complimentary title behind a girl’s name on the wedding invitation. And it need not be ‘feminine’ enough for a girl to choose it. Let the tweens dream big and different, and therefore, they would know what they want when they get a chance to pick. Feminism doesn’t require the fall of men, but the fall of patriarchy… If you simplify patriarchy to men, then you aren’t a feminist. Patriarchy simplifies to a system in which both men and women participate, and both are victims. In most cases, women are the aggressive carriers of patriarchy. So, can’t we be the cycle-breakers too?

Society's View on Elegant Females

Elegant Females is a Trap- ‘Do We Need Feminism’ Series

Feminism strives harder to break the shackles of patriarchy and gender stereotyping for years. It is time to focus on society’s view on Elegant females. Like men, women also have a certain set of rules and frames when they start growing up. Male and female have to follow certain qualities, characteristics and behaviour to fit into the sex they perceive themselves of. Do you remember the famous “Saatvikam, Prachodakam, and Bhayanakam“ dialogue from the Super Star Rajinikanth’s starring movie Padaiyappa? Apparently, the girls get classified into three categories, as mentioned above. Obviously, Saatvikam is a “marriage material”, while the other two lusts the men’s eyes. Who wrote this research material of classifying women based on their behaviour: I don’t know. I wouldn’t even waste my time searching about it on the internet. But, I will tell you what’s wrong with this approach. This vile approach of linking a woman’s personality to her marriage/personal life is ridiculous. It is similar to agreeing that hundreds of people sharing the same “star” and “zodiac sign” are alike. Worse, it is more similar to rejecting a man or a woman on marriage terms because there is a “chevvai dhosham” on one of the boxes in her horoscope. Every time a woman gets categorized, it only screams one single truth of this ‘patriarchal society’: that is, a woman is meant for a man’s consumption. The fact is very far away from the truth spoken loudly by the patriarch individuals. A woman, just like a man, is eligible and free to live her life on her terms. Sadly, we have to keep stressing on a plain naked truth time and again. Impacts the raising of girl children… This categorization also impacts the parenting style of the parents of their daughters. Most of the houses stress on having basic “feminine” behaviours, like, but not limited to: not sitting cross-legged, not staring at the mirror too long, not wearing makeup, not laughing aloud, not smiling without any reasons, not talking loud, and the list goes on. If you think that I am exaggerating, ask your female friends. Parents incline their parenting style towards raising a “Saatvikam” girl: in other terms, a “marriage material”. Now, if a woman doesn’t learn a chore, how many parents tell them that it is essential for their living? How many parents say that it is a basic skill needed to be learnt by everyone? Instead, we get to listen to this: “If you get married without learning this, what will your in-laws think about our raising?” And bravo, you are raising a marriage material, unintentionally. Except for this first category, the other two categories “Prachodhakam and Bhayanakam” do not deserve respect from men or society. I am not saying it, but the author of this research material says so. These women, just because they could speak louder and clearer, belong to rowdyism and terrorism. A woman with makeup, a short skirt, and a sleeveless top can never be sold on the marriage market. In other words, the women who rebel against the “normal” society and the “pure femininity” are not ‘homely girls’. They don’t belong to the community of elegant females. Well, there must be research on what homely girls mean. None of my business, but if you want to know, please feel free to Google it. Are you one of these Elegant Women?! Alright, let’s come to the most disturbing aspect of these “elegant” females. A lot of young women believe that their elegance rest on their covered thighs and ground-facing eyes. They also think that men respect and appreciate these kinds of women in their lives. Well, some part of that is true, as that is how the majority of men are. As a result, these ‘hard trying’ elegant women slut-shames the different women of their own race. The society has specific guidelines for an elegant female when it comes to love: Reject when proposed for the first time (but encourage the man for persuasion) Reject him again the second time (do not forget the encouragement) The third time is not a charm (do not fail to check if the man is on your doorstep still) Accept now, but also keep him on his knees for a little bit longer. Somehow, a simple ‘Yes, I do when you like a man, seems to be a bigger turn-off for elegant females. They somehow link this childish behaviour to their worth and respect. “You wouldn’t be valued by the man if you say Yes for the very first time,” I have heard this statement for quite too long. Pride and Prejudice on Elegant woman Because of this, a man seems to get the wrong idea: persuade even if a girl says NO. I am not saying it. If you had read Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Mr Collins rejected by Elizabeth on marriage proposal says: “As I must therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me, I shall choose to attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females.” Mr Collins | Pride and Prejudice “Increasing my love”- note that point. This “Saatvigam” or elegant behaviour is not a trap to a female alone. Males suffer horribly and passively too. By making a man crawl behind for a woman’s love, she makes him question his self-worth. His ego gets punctured after several failed attempts. He wonders why he doesn’t deserve this woman’s love. As a result, anger, revenge, acid attacks, harassments, rape, you name it, and he does it. So, should a man not be rejected at all? A woman could and should if she genuinely cannot afford any interest. How could it be fair to hold a man’s love if she can’t reciprocate it? But, the fair problem here is the society raises a woman to be an elegant female. As a result, a man doesn’t understand a genuine rejection. His ego is hurt, nevertheless, by the sincere rejection. Because of all those elegant women, the girls who speak their heart out aren’t taken seriously enough. Be like Elizabeth! Well, what’s the solution? Be the “Elizabeth” of Pride and Prejudice. When Mr Collins rejects her rejection, she says: “I do assure you, sir, that I have no pretensions whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man. I would rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere. I thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings in every respect forbid it. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart.” Elizabeth | Pride and Prejudice To men: “Break those patriarchal shackles, live free, and do not be Mr. Collins.” Being assertive, standing up for herself, feeling attractive and beautiful, living on her own terms, having a life with inspirational dreams are not crimes. There is no such thing as a ‘homely’ girl. Stop fantasizing about women on your own terms. If we, as a society, keep doing that, we would be left behind with a vision, not a woman, not a rational individual.

Rant on the "normal" society: Ft. The Great Indian Kitchen

Rant on the “normal” society: Ft. The Great Indian Kitchen

This is a rant; so, if you are looking for aesthetic, optimistic, and motivational contents, you can stop reading now. If you have not watched the film yet, please stop here because this content has spoiler alerts. Having said that, I would like to add that you can continue to watch this space for many more rants from me. You can also send me feedback, opinions, and improvements after reading. Let’s go to the rant now, shall we? Before I begin, there are few things I would like to clarify:– I didn’t watch this movie recently; I must have watched it several weeks ago.– The impact it left me made me write this week later.– It’s just part 1 of this rant.– This rant section covers only the first 20 minutes of the movie. I wouldn’t even term the Great Indian Kitchen as a movie. In my opinion, it is a documentary about the real-life of the majority of Indian households. If feminism, patriarchy, male chauvinism and terms like these offend you, I advise you not to read any further. The Great Indian Kitchen, a Malayalam-language film, a drama genre, is written and directed by Jeo Baby. The film distributed by Amazon Prime Video captures the realistic version of the women’s role in Indian households. After reading many versions of the review for this movie, I found how easily we digest the normalization of the woman’s role in a house. The more comments I read, the more disgusting I felt, as we even laughed together at these “normal” situations of women. “First things first…” Kudos to the director for two things in the film:– for realistically capturing the backdrops in the movie: a realistic traditional kitchen, the wood fire stove, sacks and mortar.– for not using names for any character: by doing so, the director establishes a next-door normal Indian household on the viewer’s minds. Also, there is no way you could get swayed by the character’s name or individuality. You could see you, your home, mother, father, spouse and your own kitchen when you see the characters in the Great Indian Kitchen. As a result, when the movie ends, you hate the dominant mindset of a husband. You can’t stop criticizing the normalization of patriarchal society and admire how the wife took a stand for herself. Ok, let’s go to my rant part. The movie opens with a beautiful soothing melody about women. I found that it is a cultural song of the Parayar people after extensive Google research. This song is about how a housekeeper lies to keep working in the house when she is menstruating. You can read the whole interview here by the 38-year-old director Jeo Baby. “Women’s out of the kitchen” The first scene starts with a woman dancing graciously with pride and joy in her face: a well-implied scene for saying how this generation of women are out of the kitchen. But the director uses the camera so skillfully to show how her mother (a woman, too) is still inside the kitchen. The woman’s father waits outside to welcome someone, while the mother sets up the table. I can’t find a more beautiful way to explain the century-old patriarchal setup we follow at home. Tell me, who goes to the kitchen to prepare a cup of coffee when a guest arrives at your home. If your answer doesn’t involve a woman, let’s end this article here. There was hardly any conversation between the groom and the bride, but the wedding arrangements commence. All through those beautiful three minutes, you can see how we Indians associate food with every festivity. Granted, women associate with food too, because they’re “nurturing” by nature, aren’t they? “Pleasure=Men” I don’t know where we learnt this phrase, but it is high time to unlearn it. As you might think, the pleasure of sex is not a man’s subject completely. This movie within seconds portrays, how we should unlearn this as soon as possible. As with every ‘after marriage’ scene of Indian cinemas, we would expect two people sitting on the edge of the bed, shyness all over their face, giggle, and the light goes off. The camera cut and open the next scene: the heroine wakes up with a sunset glow on her face. Behold! The heroine hereafter referred to as a wife, waits for her husband to come. I expect that there would be conversations between them. The husband doesn’t disappoint me. He asks a series of questions about his family and his household, which implies that she has officially clipped off of her family. “Hey, what’s wrong with asking such questions to make her feel at ease?”, if you ask, they are not wrong at all. In fact, it is quite disturbing that there was no question about her or her parents as if she was an orphan. “Are you scared of darkness?” asks the husband. Wow, what a romantic start, isn’t it? Do not expect anything more from the husband, because he is the “man” believing that pleasure is a word spelt only by men. Now, this point is where the movie starts to establish a disturbing takeaway: the expressions of the woman shows how disappointed she was with the husband’s “joke”. Well, at least, he laughed at his own joke. Camera cut, open next scene: wife officially moving into the kitchen. “Table Manners” It was the first and probably, the last time (with this wife), the husband drinks the coffee in the kitchen. A sweet little romance, it seems, and there he goes, leaving the unwashed mug on the slab. Kudos to the director for showing a realistic kitchen without modular settings like furnished cupboards and chimneys. But, hey, they do have a gas-connected stove and mixer in their kitchen. Why am I mentioning these insignificant details? Because you should not think that they are too poor to afford a mixer or electricity when you see the MIL (mother-in-law) grinding the chutney on a mortar. The FIL (father-in-law) seems to have some problem with the chutney made in the mixer. Now, welcome to the most controversial scene of the entire movie: the table manners. People who speak in defence of those men who ate and left with such mess on the table should never discipline their kids about food-eating. Alright, it is their house and no offence on how they enjoy eating the food. But, where are your manners in cleaning up the mess after you? The shocker is when the MIL so naturally moves her husband’s plate aside, sit and start enjoying her food as if the mess doesn’t matter. Now, again, stop taking a defence mode. Why are you preaching “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” to the kids if you will turn blind to the men at your house? I know that it might seem like a gender-specific rant. But, yes, why not? The wife clearly disposes of the vegetable wastes after cutting them into the dustbin. She cleans that messy table, and she feels disturbing to eat with so many wastes on the table. It seems like we are teaching cleanliness only to a specific gender, don’t we? Stop glorifying how women are patient, calm and inoffensive about the disgusting things that they have to experience. It is not normal. “Virundhu” If you are going to ask me “what’s wrong with a normal virundhu scene?”, save your breath. The same old, same old: the husband of that household waits on the porch to welcome our hero and heroine, while the wife prepares food in the kitchen. As I said, a classic patriarchal setup! Apart from that, you can see how the little boy made to sit with the guests, while the little girl asked to eat with her mom. Why, man, why? There is not a single conversation between the husband and wife, except the frequent communication of his interest of wanting to have sex. MIL seems to work in the kitchen single-handedly, while our FIL scrolling through the WhatsApp forwards leisurely. Hey, is that why we showed interest in marrying a girl of a younger age to an older age guy, so he can show his age as a reason to not split work when he is old? But, wait, again, the husband never works too: he has all the time for yoga, getting ready to go to his job, eating and having sex. He takes no part in household chores, or perhaps, the word ‘chores’ doesn’t exist for him. The FIL is no less when it comes to not doing any chores at home. He has a maid married to him too. While he wakes up with the newspaper in his hands, the MIL runs to the bathroom to fetch his toothpaste and brush. When he steps out of the house, the MIL runs like an athlete to the front porch with his sandals in her hand. “Disturbing twenty-minutes” Throughout the twenty minutes of the movie, the wife and the MIL seems to not relax, sit or enjoy their activities. They are always in a hurry, doing something in the house. On the contrary, the men in the house are well-relaxed. Don’t you see, feel or read anything disturbing yet? Then, you have become quite comfortable with the patriarchal setup of the Indian households. If you feel disturbing already, this rant is just a trailer. There are more shocking events and incidents in the movie. Hey, you, if you are going to write the review of this movie as “visual delight for foodies,” how do you even feel like eating when you see a woman treated like a maid? If you are not in that situation, is it so difficult to empathize with other women in such situations? Why is it not bothering you to see a woman taking the burden of all the household chores in a house? I am not against a woman cooking in the house. In fact, I recently found out how much I love cooking. My only concern is about the shared responsibility. If she cooks, why can’t he serve? If a guest arrives, why can’t she entertain them on the couch while he prepares the coffee? Why is it all looking so abnormal for you, while glorifying women as multi-taskers is perfectly normal? Why do you want to praise her so much, when you can share her workloads? Why, I wonder, that there is no equality when it comes to protecting and taking care of each other’s families. His house, parents and family become her responsibility naturally. Is it your first point in the marriage agreement? Why isn’t the same importance given to the woman’s family? Why even pleasure becomes a word only recognizable by men? Why is the word ‘respect’ associated with the services offered by wives to the husbands? Why aren’t you asking “why?”? Until next rant, bubye,Sahana, aka the Tummy Mummy.

Feminism A-Z: An ultimate guide to the scary F-word

Feminism A-Z: An ultimate guide to the scary F-word

Here’s an ultimate guide to driving your fear away about the scary f-word: feminism, feminists and people who voice out for gender equality. You no longer need to hide from feminists or be feared about saying the word aloud if you are one of us. I hope this article explains to you what feminism really is, and serves as a knowledge transfer from me to you. “It took me three years to find that I am a feminist, and it took me another two years to say it aloud.” Feminism is not a subject or theory; it’s a perspective, a way of life. In the circle I knew, I had a difference of opinions and beliefs. The way I looked at some of the “normal” activities in day-to-day life alienated me from my family, acquaintances and even friends. I knew I viewed things differently, but I can’t understand how. Later, I learnt that there are so many like me who had dissatisfaction with conventional society. At first, my journey of feminism also started with rage about the unequal treatment of genders. I focused on how women and girls get treated unfairly compared to men and boys in society. Rapes, harassments, abuse, molestation, the wage gap, patriarchal pressure and many more shed light on how one sex got oppressed all the time. Three years into reading more about sexual oppression, inequality, and exploitation identified me as a feminist. However, I was still afraid to admit it loudly. I was unsure to say the name aloud. Are you scared of the f-word? I guess people find “feminism” as the second-most offensive f-word. Mostly because of how mass media portrays it. Even if you believe in gender equality, it becomes scary to use the word because people use it to their advantage. Can anyone be a feminist? No. I know it could be strange hearing ‘No’ to this question. But, honestly, not everyone can be a feminist. By using the word for career opportunities and popularity, people degraded the objective of the movement itself. So, no, not anyone can be a feminist. But, feminism is for everybody. I know it can sound confusing. But, feminism is for everyone who educates themselves about the movement. Instead of blindly using the word to one gender’s advantage, knowledge about feminism can bring about positive change. It demolishes the word “Pseudo-feminists” or “Feminazis”. What is Feminism? Before we ask ourselves ‘what is feminism’, let us break the myth of what feminism is not. Society strongly believes that feminists are a generally unapproachable, angry, and ugly mob of unpleasant women. Or, feminists are easy-going women who think of casual sex and affairs as a part of life. Not one of these thoughts delivers feminists in a good shade of light. Feminists are common people, like you and me, who believes life is equal for everyone. “We did not bond against men, we bonded to protect our interests as women.” Feminism seems to focus on major women issues and challenges. But, it works on a ground level of sexual oppression and a sexist approach. Determined to create equal opportunities and fair choices for women, the feminists break the patriarchal blocks of society indirectly. So, feminism is always a win-win situation for people who use it the right way. Feminism: against Sexual oppression, sexist approach and exploitation A feminist wouldn’t focus on two genders/sexes; instead, they would be open to the possibility of more than two genders. So, feminism is not only about restoring the balance of one gender in society. It’s about equal opportunity for all the sexes. Are you a feminist? A lot of us are feminist. Some of us are scared to use the word. And some of us don’t even know that feminism stands for the same beliefs and opinions as we have. So, are you a feminist? Ask yourself these questions: Do you stand against the “powerful should rule over the weak”? Do you think that societies with a male point of view should reform? Are you against the sexist approach? What is your stand on the patriarchal foundation at our homes? Do you believe that feminine energy is not a weakness? “Boldness is not the only strength” – Can you agree with that? Which side are you on- domination or love? Are you against the transition of power from male to female? Do you feel safe when a woman shares her views, opinions and ideologies in a workplace or home? Can you appreciate and adopt when a woman’s ideas and strategies work well, as much as you can accept men? Do you voice against gender stereotypes? What do you think about ‘male occupation’ and ‘female responsibilities’? ‘Cooking, cleaning, parenting and nurturing are life skills, not women’s skills”- do you agree? Are you against rape culture? Are you against victim-shaming? Will you stand against normalizing men’s faults, just because they are men in society? Will you voice against a woman who misuses their gender privilege to make a man suffer? Do you believe that even boys can be raped? Do you understand that the abuse against men and boys are unheard, unseen and unpunished? Are you against toxic masculinity? Do you believe in equal opportunities and equal pay for all the sexes? Do you believe in body positivity? Will you ask for consent before you cross someone’s boundary: not just sexual, emotional, and physical boundaries too? Will you stop any “harmless” conversations against a man or a woman in your friend’s group? If you could answer ‘yes’ to most of the questions, then welcome to the club. You are a feminist too. You can be a man and still be a feminist. There is no stronger way to advocate feminism than a man standing for his female friends, colleagues and family members. Feminism has more to it than what you see on social media. When you see this movement as framing an innocent man or misusing power to dominate men, then you shall be scared until the end. It takes only minutes to educate ourselves on what feminism really is. Let’s stop calling the people who don’t follow feminism as ‘Pseudo-feminists.” They don’t need a name. They are simply people who don’t know and follow feminism, and hence, are not feminists. Let there be only one term: feminism, and people who follow it: feminists. Choose who you want to be: do you want to be a sexist or a feminist? Until next time, Lots of love, Sahana, aka, the Tummy Mummy.

The Handmaid’s Tale: A Powerful Voice Against Repression.

Ta-da! Welcome to another post on my blog. Hope you are having a good day so far. Before we discuss a book on fun-reading Friday, allow me to share a glimpse of an incredible poem that I read a few days ago on the Internet. The woman in the spiked devicethat locks around the waistand betweenthe legs, with holes in it like a tea straineris ExhibitA. The woman in black with a net windowto see through and afour-inchwooden peg jammed upbetween her legs so she can’t berapedis Exhibit B. Exhibit C is the young girldragged into thebush by midwivesand made to sing while they scrape the fleshfrom betweenher legs, then tie her thighstill she scabs over and is calledhealed.Now she can be married.For each childbirth they’ll cutheropen, then sew her up.Men like tight women.The ones that die arecarefully buried. The next exhibit lies flat on her backwhile eightymen a nightmove through her, ten an hour.She looks at the ceiling,listensto the door open and close.A bell keeps ringing.Nobody knowshow she got here. You’ll notice that what they have in commonisbetween the legs. Is thiswhy wars are fought?Enemy territory, noman’sland, to be entered furtively,fenced, owned but neversurely,scene of these desperate foraysat midnight, capturesandsticky murders, doctors’ rubber glovesgreasy with blood, flesh made inert,the surgeof your own uneasy power. This is no museum.Who inventedthe word love? Of all of the literary works of Margaret Atwood, this poem especially touches my heart. This poem is commendable for the word usage, context, and setting, exceptionally because it is raw and disturbs the minds of the reader. Quite easily understandable, the word “exhibit” denotes the museum setting of the poem. Without wandering around comparisons or metaphors, the author gets straight to the point about the objectification of women. In the first three stanzas where she describes how a woman kept in an exhibit shows the gruesome state of women in real life. She emphasizes how a woman gets treated like an object as she doesn’t own her body through “fenced,” “owned but never sure,” “the surge of your uneasy power,” and “this is no museum.” By closing the poem with the question “who invented the word love?” she lets the reader interpret and question the message of the poem. One of the most insightful books, “The Handmaid’s Tale,” written by Margaret Atwood, has a disturbing and powerful message about the repression of women. The narrator Offred who is a handmaid (assigned to a commander as a reproductive slave) all through the book reminisces on the pre-Gilead time in the United States. Though Offred’s mother was an in-and-out feminist, she doesn’t believe in her mother’s political beliefs. She doesn’t find a connection with her independent friend Moira too. The novel told from a passive fighter against the repressive society adds heaviness to the plot. It also arguably puts the notion that a normal and common woman could only do smaller passive fights against the repressive environment. Through the flashbacks of Offred, we can see how men ill-treated women with readily available pornography, abused, raped, and chained before the Gilead took over the Government. Convincingly, the mistreatment of women-led some women to believe in Gilead’s beliefs, as they thought that it is safer than the old, pre-Gilead society. As a result, a fertile woman gets assigned to a commander and his wife, while the infertile women and the ones with perceived immoral behavior end up in compulsory brothel service. The most disturbing element of all in the novel is that the handmaids cannot have a name. Housemaids named after their commander’s name with a suffix-of, Offred retained her past even after losing her identity. By preserving her thoughts and feelings, she tried to save her autonomy as an individual. Unlike active rebels throughout the story, Offred never tried to escape or stand against the Gilead’s beliefs. By meeting the commander alone at night regularly when asked to(which is against the Gilead rule), by involving in a sexual relationship with the gardener Nick, and by ceasing a chance to talk to Moira at the bar, Offred shows signs of passive rebellion here and there. Even towards the end, Nick plans an escape for Offred after their relationship gets revealed to the Commander’s wife. Solely to avoid his punishment, Nick arranges for Offred’s escape without her active effort on it. Offred could have escaped, met her daughter, who she lost during her previous escape plan, or might have caught. The author leaves the reader an open ending on Offred’s whereabouts after her escape. You would want her to reunite with her daughter and husband safely after reading the novel. When the story comes to an end, we can’t help but think about facing a repressed society in the 21st century. If you are someone who asks girls to be careful and safe after reading about rapes, then pause and read the below: Repressing women by forbidding them to read or own a property and by assigning them as a reproductive slave to a commander; so they could be safe from rapes and abuse is the definition of the word brutality. There is no way a woman can be happy after exchanging her freedom for safety. Honestly, not all women are rebels. Half or most of them are passive rebellions like Offred from The Handmaid’s Tale. They are not able to alter the beliefs taught to them or escape from them. What we need is not advice or safety precautions for women, but sex education and self-control lessons for potential rapists. Though the thought of living in an oppressed society seems too unreal, we cannot deny the fact that our world resembles the pre-Gilead civilization from the story. But, pause, again: We have a lot of women and men supporting gender equality and working intensely for it. Let’s hope that the world shifts for the better. With that, I would strongly recommend this book for all free-thinkers. It is worth reading and hoping that it talks to your soul. If you have come this far of this article but not a bookworm, you can also see the Handmaid’s Tale series. The novel, with such a persuasive setting and narrative, released as early as 1985, astounds me. It also shows how marvellous the author is, with her sturdy thoughts and words. If you could relate, save these pins, and never forget to pin your comments after reading the novel in the comment box below. Leaving you to your profound thoughts after reading this post about a powerful novel, Signing off; and boop. See you soon in the next post.

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COVID, WOMEN, GENDER EQUALITY: THE GOOD, BAD AND THE UGLY.

Ta-da! I am here with another post today. Gender equality, a global issue, threatens the development of women even in the 21st century. Some economists say that the fights of women for gender problems in society are withering away due to the pandemic. Are we matured enough to confront the elephant in the room? Before we jump into the pay gap reporting statistics by various websites for analysis, let’s take time to appreciate the pleasant thing. The unpaid care work performed by women all these years finally possessed the limelight and was noticed for how difficult and valuable it is, because men work from home. Even though we speak about gender and development, women empowerment, the statistics say that the UK experiences an 8.9% wage gap. In India, it goes as high as 19% (as of 2018.) If you think that a talented person gets paid equally irrespective of gender, then here is the blow for you. While there is a high misconception about equal pay for equal work in high-skilled occupations, the gender wage gap raises to 30 percent there. You won’t believe it if I tell you that the gap increases when a man has the same extraordinary talent and experience compared to a woman in the same workplace. Only the awareness of equal pay between genders can reduce this gender wage gap between men and women with the same potentials. If this statistic is not enough, COVID has put women’s fightback for a full generation, says Caitlin Moran. The pandemic situation has pushed women to labor unpaid again; in turn, leading to taking a break or quitting the job altogether. Either a family couldn’t afford to pay for the daycare, or there is no daycare facility during the COVID situation, women have to choose between their personal life and career. This situation gets ugly when the statistics say that women do it a lot more than men. We are asking women to make choices between their job and child care. We are asking women to take responsibility for unpaid labor. We are asking women to juggle between meetings and lunch preparation. Though we speak in length about gender parity, it doesn’t start from our home. The materials, opportunities, and resources given for women and men are not the same, for they could face the choice together. Eventually, she has to take a break or decrease her working hours to run domestic life smoothly. The unpaid home care, though largely contributes to the economy, are not valuable yet inside the house. Men must come forward to share their responsibilities more equally, thereby giving women a space to breathe and think of their own life. They wouldn’t miss those hikes, promotions, or ratings when they return to work after taking a break. It’s high time already for men to take part in this movement of gender equality or feminism (whichever is comfortable), so women won’t fall behind. Let’s move forward together. Boop, Good day!

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