I have been thinking about where it all went south between me and my parents. My mind conjured up a long list that goes back thirty years. We don’t have what other families call “normal” conversations anymore. From the list made up in my mind, one name popped up so much that I couldn’t avoid it. Julie.
After they confronted me with what was in the sack for Julie, I knew we couldn’t be a family any more. It wasn’t like we were a family before, anyway.
One fine morning, when the Sun shone brightly through the broad windows of the porch- it was summer in my mind- I found my parents in the living room sitting cosily with a coffee cup. It wasn’t an unusual sight in other families. However, it was a sight that you can’t forget in ours.
My parents did not believe in expressing love, at least the kind of love portrayed by movies. Nevertheless, I had no misunderstanding about their relationship. They stood as a team, always in front of me and Julie. Our extended families knew they were a match made in heaven because they seldom fought or sulked at each other.
My dad was pursing his lips while my mom wore the it-is-not-easy-but-it-is-right look on her face. I glanced at Julie, and like me, she had no idea what was going on. Yet, we shared the same fright and uneasiness in our hearts.
‘Sit, we need to talk,’ my mom called me.
My mom was always the executioner, even though she never wrote the judgements. Decision-making is a man’s job at home.
The next ten minutes shook all the beliefs and values I contracted from my family. I stopped believing everything without questioning.
‘No!’ I ran with tears obscuring my vision past Julie and upstairs to the terrace. I spent the entire day in the store room crying and wiping my nose on my sleeve. When my tears were exhausted, I slowly found my way back down.
The porch looked empty and clean. The heavy fragrance of floor cleaner filled my nostrils. Mom must have wiped the blood stains on the wall. It looked like modern art with grey blotches scattered all around. I searched in all directions with desperation. But Julie was gone.
I muffled the screams that originated at the back of my throat. Good girls don’t scream, I told myself one hundred times. A low wail escaped my throat instead. If anyone asked me in the future, ‘What is anger?’ I told them that it was the door of escape for the suppressed pain.
My parents were sitting together with their evening tea. It was always coffee in the morning and tea in the evening. Our house functioned well because of unshakeable routines.
‘Why?’ I asked, gritting my teeth harder that it hurt my jaw for the next two days.
‘Because it is the right thing to do,’ answered my mom. The judge doesn’t have to explain his judgements. It was a chore of an executioner to support the judge with his judgements.
‘Why now? Julie was struggling for a long time,’ I told her.
It was true that Julie was struggling with Cancer. She was feeling sick to her stomach, puking blood everywhere. Her legs and eyes gave up on her. We all knew that she wouldn’t last long.
My parents, out of the goodness in their hearts- so they tell me, decided to end Julie’s suffering. I hope Julie didn’t understand what they were doing to her. I wish Julie didn’t think we gave up on her, too.
‘Your sister is visiting us with the baby next week. They might probably stay for a few weeks,’ she said, not meeting my eyes.
‘So?’ I asked.
‘Julie…’ she paused, choosing the words carefully. That’s what people pretending to be good do. ‘Julie could spread the infection to the baby.’
She urgently added. ‘Doctors told us that Julie cannot stay near any new-borns. Also, we have to think what’s best for Julie.’
‘It wasn’t the right thing to do. It was easy,’ I told my mom.
For the first and last time, my dad stared at me with shock and disbelief. Where was his good girl? She was probably buried deep with Julie in the forest behind our backyard.
‘What?’ my dad asked.
‘What if Julie wasn’t a dog? What if Julie was a human? Would you still put her to sleep this way?’ I asked. ‘How did it feel to play God?’
