I have walked through one of the darkest times of my life. I dreaded those couple of years when the cumulus clouds stuffed my sky, blocking clear thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, the lockdown period of Covid-19 coincided with the years I felt imprisoned by my mind. It was when I felt utterly alone and upset.
The clouds dissipated finally, letting the sun shine through the sky, and all was well in the end if only it were as simple as that…
If a man survives for days in a stranded boat in the ocean, he doesn’t become alive and happy when rescued. He would need attention for hypothermia, anxiety, panic attacks and much more.
In a way, my survival attempts to get out of that darkest phase involved a lot of necessary and unnecessary tactics. Those unnecessary steps were also essential to deceive my mind that all is not lost and there is still hope. One of those tactics was to start a blog.
The decision was impulsive at its best. In a twisted way, I thought a blog could improve my then-current state of mind. I am grateful for those who supported my idea, even when they had no idea how I was barely keeping my head above the water.
Since the blog was designed at a time when I needed motivation and purpose to hang on to life, it became overly ambitious. Unattainable and unrealistic goals were set. I pushed myself harder to achieve them, but it wasn’t possible. The failures shoved me back into the water. It was a vicious circle.
This setback rippled in all areas of my life. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would get out of it alive. More desperation led to more impulsive decisions to kickstart something new in my life. When my old circle of friends couldn’t understand what I was going through, I made another spontaneous decision to find new friends.
The blog was deserted at last. I had no energy to keep up with the pretences of my mind. How could I prove myself when I could barely keep myself alive? How do I know what I want when my mind is foggy and self-destructive?
Don’t ask me how because there is no handbook to get out of this, but one morning, I woke up with clouds dissipating and the sun peeking through several of those holes- like those movies where they show the depiction of heaven in the sky. It was a result of hundreds of tiny efforts over two years.
I was glad that it was finally over. I was happy to be finally freed from a disordered, chaotic mind. I was excited that I could return to my happy-go-lucky life. It wasn’t that simple either!
Now, with an unobscured mind, I could see the past couple of years clearly with a fresh perspective. I noticed the actions that needed to be undone- my fragile attempts at making friendships, oversharing disguised as reflection, and… BLOG!
Though this blog was a hasty decision, I didn’t dislike it. I always had an affinity for writing blogs. It was a huge blow when I saw the state of it. It was as if I messed up before I started a relationship with someone special.
“I started off on the wrong foot!”
This dialogue echoed inside my mind without control. I knew that if I didn’t control this thought, I might have to go back to the place of total darkness again. No, it wasn’t even an option. As a result, I struggled to salvage and restore the blog’s status.
After writing dozens of SEO-ranked and keyword-researched posts, my opinions and voice cramped themselves into the boot. All those posts were enriched with research and facts. Nevertheless, where is my style? My voice? My opinion that should matter? I began hating the process soon, too.
I am a storyteller. That’s how I see myself. How can the blog of a self-proclaimed storyteller be void of stories?
With a clear mind, I decided to revamp the blog. I removed everything unnecessary, keeping the page to a bare minimum. If Google wouldn’t rank my blog, then so be it.
Life is not a movie. There is no end card after you survive the brutal war with your mind. Enjoy a clear mind for a while before setting yourself new goals to follow. You never know what others are going through. So, be kind, no matter what…
