Last week, I asked my friends if they had anything they would like to unteach the girl children they know- of patriarchy and gender stereotypes. We think that we no longer follow patriarchy, and maybe we don’t consciously. But, there are small lessons imbibed and cultured into our day-to-day activities. We are not aware of them because we think it is normal, and that’s how it is supposed to be done.
So, when I asked, I heard a lot of common practices that could be missed as normal routines but are ideas inherited from patriarchy. Some of them are easily avoidable if we consciously approach the next generation.
1. The Weaker Sex
Call it science- but studies suggest that women being physically weaker sex is a myth. We call ourselves emotionally and intellectually strong to compensate for the loss of upper body strength. And this is where a tiny patriarchal lesson taught from childhood shows up:
“Some sports are unfeminine, and therefore women are discouraged from playing them”.
For various reasons, including breaking of hymen, muscle gain, social stigma, safety and transportation issues, girls drop out of sports. This should change, says Soumya, one of my friends, hoping that girls of next-generation would value physical strength as much as their intellectual strength.
By not allowing the girls to increase their upper-body strength, we also create gender-based roles in work. Men seem to do more physical labour. Mythily, a librarian at an International School says:
“Not only women do not participate in certain jobs like firefighting, army or mechanic; gentle and non-physical jobs like being a librarian or a teacher is considered women’s role. Boys trying to aspire for such jobs are usually discouraged.”
2. The Sacrificial Lamb
Somehow, over the years, women have become equal to scapegoats in the name of family, culture and traditions. The part played by the patriarchal is how it turned this thought natural and normal to women. Patriarchy makes us believe that we should sacrifice to be a “good” woman in society. ‘When will this change?’ asks Ishwarya, an independent freelancer who has boarded the feminist wagon quite recently.
To what extent are women ready to sacrifice themselves for the family is the ultimate question here. And the answer to this might be quite shocking, nonetheless true- completely! Some of us only dream from childhood about weddings and celebrations.
Due to societal pressure, sometimes we think it is okay to let all our dreams go. And other times, it becomes our inherent nature to prioritise every other person in the family first. Is it wrong to be concerned about the welfare of others? No. But is it fair to lose ourselves in the process?
“Women is not equal to martyrs. It has to change. We should make our choices and live our life the way we want. We need to exercise our right and freedom and not be bothered about what other people think or say about it,” says Ishwarya, who also knows it is easier said than done.
3. Freedom of Choice
Changing the last name (or not) to living with in-laws (or not) should be an option available to women, says Mythily, a teacher-librarian. Taking away the freedom of choice from a person is equal to influencing and controlling the person as if he were a puppet, says Madeline L’Engle.
Many of us might think that third-wave feminism took a wrong turn focusing on less important details like dressing codes and last names. But, this heated debate focuses on one singular truth- how women get still denied basic rights: the freedom of choice.
There must be (at all times) freedom to choose the life they want to live- even if their choice is wrong. The Indian society especially still have this unwritten rule of women getting married to the husband’s family, completely dusting off her presence from what she called home for 25 years.
Why are no men married and moving their living to the wife’s home? Why is this idea a still prohibitive land where no men take a walk? How could we achieve gender equality if we still practice patriarchy in day-to-day life?
4. The Handmaid’s Tale
Have you read ‘The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood? If you have, you can easily understand this point made by my young cousin, Surya, who said, “Parents must learn to remove the protective shield they build around girls. They should try to teach the boys and believe in those teachings, for creating a safer world for women.”
Instead of teaching boys how to treat a woman, we teach women how to behave (or not) to be safe. It is a pity to call it love and care when this restricts the girl’s freedom.
On another angle, many opportunities available to boys are not feasible for girls because of safety and protection. It must change if we expect a world with gender equality.
5. Emotions are Emotions
It is easy to overlook that girls develop stereotypes about boys and men. They think men are macho and do not display any emotions at all. If they cry, they are considered weak. ‘Shouldn’t we be teaching them the opposite if we preach boys to be sensitive and sensible?’ asks Ashutosh
It is not enough to teach boys to go easy on their emotions. It is not enough to tell them that a healthy display of emotions are welcome and, in fact, the right way. Then, what more do we need to do?
We should teach the girls to perceive boys from a different angle. We should teach them to console and comfort the boys when they see crying, as they would do to their girlfriends. To treat a boy crying or venting as weak would make the boy conscious and resort to unhealthy ways again.
6. Beware of Expiry Dates
We teach our kids to dream and aim high. But, how many of us teach them the art of letting go? Are we teaching them when or how to stop? It is imperative to teach kids that dreams, thoughts, opinions and choices come with an expiry date, says Bhavana.
Are we seriously speaking about quitting as healthy these days? Instead of calling quitters, why can’t we accept that the goal they set for themselves does not serve them anymore?
Quitting because of failures is a different deal. We must learn and understand to quit when the goal does not feel right anymore. If only we knew when to stop, wouldn’t we all live in a less messy state?
7. Dream, Dream, Dream…
Dreams give one a purpose to live their life. Without dreams, one gets to succumb to emptiness and depression soon. Setting goals and achieving them should become instinctual to any human.
But when we downsize this idea to girls, we make them dream about husbands and weddings before they have time to think about their identity. Before saying dream big, it is important to teach what kind of dreams increase the odds of one’s purpose in life. Love, relationships and family are a part of our life, not the life itself.
If you do not see many female politicians,
it is because we do not let them dream that girls could be in a place to bring change to the world. Why? Simply because most of us think that the nature of a girl is to get married, procreate and take care of the house.
Career opportunities like a sergeant, firefighter, pilot, astronaut, writer, scientist, mechanic, politician do not even reach a tween’s mind, and this must change.
Education must not be a complimentary title behind a girl’s name on the wedding invitation. And it need not be ‘feminine’ enough for a girl to choose it. Let the tweens dream big and different, and therefore, they would know what they want when they get a chance to pick.
Feminism doesn’t require the fall of men, but the fall of patriarchy…
If you simplify patriarchy to men, then you aren’t a feminist. Patriarchy simplifies to a system in which both men and women participate, and both are victims. In most cases, women are the aggressive carriers of patriarchy. So, can’t we be the cycle-breakers too?
