I recently moved places. Again. It has been like this for three years now. When January comes, it has almost become an unwritten rule for us to shift places- move within the city or change countries. Though I know how blessed it is to travel to the places I only dreamt of when I was a child- packing, moving, transitioning to the new place, weather and culture, house hunting, and settling is a nightmare.
This time, we found a temporary home in a high-rise building. So, I am sitting here on the 19th floor, facing the entire city and Lilliput people on the streets when writing this. It is exciting and humbling to see the hills, river, sky and the city from this height.
Enough introduction about this new change in my life, I guess. Let me talk about what I REALLY wanted to talk about. For a while, I have had this thought- Am I highly sensitive? There is a lot of evidence to suggest that I am one. However, the imposter syndrome smirks at me for thinking myself as empathetic, when I often snap at my husband and kid.
What made me think I am one of the 15 to 20 percent?
Don’t we all write ‘adaptable’ as one of our strengths in our resume? Well, it is my superpower literally. Since childhood, I can read the signs and energy of the room, and quickly camouflage to avoid trouble. At the same time, I am someone who could listen to anyone without bringing my opinion into the conversation. Result- I believed that people communicated with me only when they needed me. It was not until recently I found out that I was attracting them.
The People-Pleaser
I can never say No- I am still struggling with it. When I want to say No, the first question that pops into my mind is- how would they feel? I have even tried to put this absurdity inside my kid’s mind (who is also highly sensitive), rendering her helpless and people-pleasing. Of course, saying Yes when I want to say No makes me unhappy. However, saying NO and upsetting someone also makes me unhappy. I feel what they feel, and I usually change my answer.
The I-feel-everything-too-much
There is nothing wrong with it when you see it on the surface level. When I first entered the living room of my current house, I was overwhelmed. The bird’s view of the city moved me to tears, literally. I am not exaggerating here. I had goosebumps (and still have every day). Late at night, when my husband and kid go to sleep, I sit on the sofa facing the window and stare at the starless sky and illuminated city. Would I want to change anything about how much I feel? No.
But… You heard a ‘but’ coming, didn’t you? An unfair scene in a movie or a gory book can affect me deeply. After reading ‘the Vegetarian’ by Han Kang, and watching ‘The Great Indian Kitchen’, I felt something that I can’t explain. I had to carry that uncomfortable, helpless and hopeless feeling for days. Releasing that energy through writing was the only way to keep my sanity.
The Over-Analyser
If I happened to have a day out with you and really liked your vibe and energy, I would want to convey it to you. However, I have also learnt that expressing what you feel instantly terms you as a ‘sensitive’ and ‘gooey’ person (definitely not in a good way!). So, I would wait until you reach home, and send a text trying to convey how much I liked spending time with you.
It could be a simple ‘loved meeting you. We should do this again sometime,’ or an essay of 16 pages about how much I admire your personality. There is no in-between. But, if you reply to me with a ‘sure’ or ‘I would love that too’ (which is a perfectly good response in terms of normal human communication standards), I replay everything that had happened from the morning in chronological order. I am not kidding.
I need help, don’t I? But, it is one of my traits to believe that I did something for you to react that way. By now, you might know that my friendship circle is tiny (almost invisible).
The Shell-girl
Wonder what the shell girl is? I will tell you. I walk with a shell to hide, like a tortoise or a snail. Why? Why because, sometimes it is overwhelming, and I need a break. If there is a big group and lots of noise, expect me to give any excuse and hang inside the bathroom for 15 minutes. That is the recharge I very much need. Shell is also my first line of defense. As I can read the room and people, I retreat before you land a blow. That also means that I sabotage a lot of things before you abandon it.
The Ms Intitutive
Ten out of eight times, the bird inside my heart tweets the outcome of a situation or a relationship with hundred percent accuracy. Do I use it to my advantage? That’s a topic for a different day. However, my insights are usually right and accurate.
With Superpowers comes torment…
I wish I could say that my sensitivity is all good. But, I can’t… Though it helps me to listen to others and feel what they feel (an alternative for walking in someone’s shoes), it also comes with a downfall.
I am often deprived of energy. I exhaust myself too much by tapping into other’s energy. The tiredness and exhaustion strips me off of all the compassion at the end of the day.
I am extremely ambitious. Therefore, I over-schedule my day – filling the to-do list to the corner and edge of the page. I am sure that I won’t be able to do it, especially if there is a stress and pressure of deadline.
Another biggest strength and weakness of a sensitive person is their accountability. If I hurt someone, I put myself in the guilt cage and lock me for several years. Though it is great to take responsibility of our actions, it is hard and unfair to not forgive ourselves at the end of the day…
I crave for connection. Nothing is as important as an emotional connection to me. My intimacy begins with words. If you know how to open my heart, you will have my soul and loyalty. However, it is equally difficult (from experience) to find someone who can connect with you on a certain level.
The major downside of high-sensitivity…
It was my turn to put my daughter to bed that night. After reading the book and singing ‘Can’t help falling in love’ by Elvis Presley, she was still awake. She needed routines. If she had to sleep late one night, she will be fussy and cranky the rest of the day (Just like me!)
I asked her if something was bothering her. She started calmly, but soon began to cry. In between the sobs, I heard few lines that brought me to tears…
‘I hate this world. I hate this life.’
She wasn’t showing any change in behaviours or her relationship with other kids. So, I asked her what happened. That’s when she opened up about a girl in her class getting treated badly because of her race. Some other kid threw a book on the other girl and called her ‘ugly’. My daughter processed all of it like it happened to her. She felt the injustice and unfairness of it all.
I remember when I was too focused to think about anything but the discrimination and violence against women. My soul and heart was absorbed into this, that I felt depressed and hopeless all the time.
If you are a highly sensitive soul like me, find a tribe and connect with them. Choose people who would understand your frequent disappearances when you feel exhausted and deprived of energy. Learn to say NO. And if you couldn’t, so you said maybe, or a No with an excuse, do not go on a guilt trip. You did good!
We are 15 to 20 percent of the population. Yet, somehow, we would all sit in our respective balconies, watching the glowing moon, wondering, ‘why do I feel lonely?’ I wish I could meet my fellow highly sensitive person soon. If you are one, leave me a mail. I would love to connect with you! Let’s talk about parallel universe, regrets, life choices, art, love, and what not.
I am sure that if we equip the next generation properly, my daughter wouldn’t feel lonely. She would be with her ‘tribe’ under the moonlight, singing and dancing to ghazals. If we can’t, who else can?
