When I usually speak about gentle parenting to my fellow mommy friends, I see a hint of disbelief in their eyes. Some even voice out their displeasure about gentle parenting.
They all often ask the same question. ‘Do you not believe in disciplining a child?’
‘I do. But there is no relation between a gentle parent and an undisciplined child.’
When the answer does not satisfy them, I ask about their methods or ways of disciplining the kid. It involves screaming, yelling, hitting or shaming a kid.
As a society, we have problems believing that love is enough to teach anyone the good values of life. On the other hand, it is easy and natural to believe that violence would work. We can tell that yelling or hitting a child is not violence all we want but the moment we try to use this approach on another adult, we would be behind bars, for a good reason.
This natural inclination towards abuse as a form of discipline is enough reason to reconsider our parenting style. Yet, here are the few myths I keep hearing when I talk about gentle parenting. Why not hear the truth too from someone who believes and follows a gentle parenting style?
MYTH 1: Gentle Parenting means never saying ‘No’
Wrong. Saying ‘Yes’ to a child all the time is a different parenting style called permissive parenting. Gentle parents may appear to say ‘Yes’ often. It is because we try and listen to the child’s needs and fulfil them. We do not say yes to every whims and fancies of a child. On the contrary, not only do we say ‘NO’, but also we make sure they meet rejections in a safe place. We embrace when upset, so they will learn to face rejections healthily later in life.
MYTH 2: Gentle parents raise spoiled kids
False. Gentle parents raise responsible and emotionally aware kids. We teach the kids that they cannot have everything they want. Nobody in the world can have that kind of luxury. When we face a conflict, we help the kids sit with their emotions and healthily resolve them.
MYTH 3: You have to be a saint to raise a kid gently
You need not be a saint. It is enough if you are an imperfect human, willing to learn and grow. If you are vulnerable enough to show that you are a simple average human who is a work in progress, then that is all you need to become a gentle parent. Gentle parenting is not about having all of your emotions under control. But it means being aware of your emotional needs and expressing them healthily. By doing so, you also become a role model for emotional health to your kids.
MYTH 4: Kids do not respect their parents/elders
False. Kids raised by a gentle parents know that respect is a two-way street. They know that you can’t buy respect, and one must earn it. Since the gentle parent not only preaches but respects the kid, the kid also learns to reciprocate it.
MYTH 5: ‘Some kids’ are easy, while other kids are not
I personally believe that every child is a clean slate. The child’s behaviour depends on the environment of their upbringing. All we need is the patience to get down to the kid’s level and communicate. Of course, every child is unique and would require a different approach. However, there is no easy way to communicate with any child. And no right time, either. So, start it early!
MYTH 6: Gentle parents don’t discipline their child
False. Gentle parents believe in disciplining a child’s behaviour as much as other parents do. We believe in autonomy and independence. On the other hand, we don’t let the kid touch an electrical outlet or run towards the oncoming traffic. We communicate honestly about the consequences of one’s actions. When they get in trouble, gentle parents impose reasonable consequences to learn from their mistakes. We do it without raising our voices or hands, so despite the consequences, the house is still a safer place.
MYTH 7: Gentle parenting relies heavily on ‘Rewards’
No. On the contrary, gentle parenting is against positive reinforcement or rewards. By handing out prizes when a kid does a good job, we train them to do good for something in return. The kids would seek external motivation and approval later for everything they do. Instead of praise, use encouragement. ‘Are you proud of yourself?’ is a question I often ask when my kid beams with pride at finishing a job.
MYTH 8: Kids struggle to face real-world
We think gentle parenting sets up the kid for failure when facing the real world. Don’t we all want the world to be a better place? Then, why are we focusing on moulding the child to adapt to a cruel world? Why are we not interested in raising a safe functioning adult that would make this world a better place to live?
MYTH 9: Gentle parents have no control over the kids
If you consider control as a power or an authority to wield against your child, then no, gentle parents do not have it over their kids. They don’t even need it. Gentle parenting is all about communication and patience. When you invest time and energy to meet physical, emotional and mental needs, you build trust with the child. The gentle parent becomes a safe space for the kid. That way, they don’t act out.
MYTH 10: Gentle parenting inhibits a child’s independence
By creating a safe space for kids to express their emotions, we assume that it inhibits their efforts to figure it out by themselves. Gentle parents are tuned to listen to a child’s needs. Neglecting a child in need or distress is an unsafe way to teach them ‘adulting’. An emotionally safe child becomes a better adult.
MYTH 11: We give too much independence
This claim is the other end of the spectrum. How do you give ‘freedom’ to someone? Isn’t it their right in the first place? A child is a smaller version of a human. All we are doing is safely setting a boundary for their freedom until they understand that their freedom comes with a sense of responsibility.
MYTH 12: Kids become too soft
It is one way of saying that ‘your kid is too sensitive’. Kids exhibiting empathy, compassion and vulnerability are seen as ‘too soft’ and ill-equipped to face the real world. It is sad to see sensitivity as a weakness. It also stems from another myth, ‘crying makes you weak’. It is time to redefine the meaning of strength. Next time you see a kid who is too soft, remember that they would make the world a better place to live.
MYTH 13: It is not ‘gentle’ for parents
False. Gentle parenting requires you to be gentle with yourself first. Compassion starts within. When you don’t treat your kid as some perfect project in making, you also learn that we are all humans. We are bound to mess up often. Gentle parents don’t stop there. We apologize and make amends. We grow constantly.
MYTH 14: Gentle parenting is a therapy for parents with issues
Yes, in a way, it is- gentle parents are aware of their issues. They understand that every human deals with some trauma within themselves. Gentle parenting provides a safer place for you to deal with the issue. However, they are not using their kids as a therapy space. Instead, they are resolving their issue for the kids.
MYTH 15: Gentle parents are not realistic
I see what you are saying. It is late for school. Your kid sits pouting at the breakfast table instead of eating their breakfast. You ask them why, and they tell you sulkily, ‘I wanted a “blue” spoon and not a “red” spoon’. I hear you screaming inside your head (probably outside)- ‘Are you going to eat the spoon or cereals?’ Sometimes, a gentle parent does it, too. However, they resolve it when they calm themselves down- apologize for reacting badly and ask the kids how they can improve the morning routine.
Parenting is not a project. It is not even a responsibility or duty. It is all about connecting with your child. You brought a little human into this world. Now, why wouldn’t you want to learn and grow with them?
